Here are 4 reasons why Carl Edwards will not win the 2015 Sprint Cup Championship.
#4. Holy Guacamole – Carl gets a hold of some bad guac on Sunday morning causing him to become nauseous around lap 132 at Kansas. At lap 175, Carl cannot fight the feeling to blow and does so right before he can lift his visor. The green goo covers the inside of his face shield completely blocking his view causing him to slam into the back of Cole Whitt’s #35 car. After the two climb from their cars Cole heads over to confront Carl but stops and stares in horror as Edwards removes his helmet. Cole retreats to the ambulance without a word. When asked about the incident later, Cole responds “Have you seen ‘The Walking Dead?’ I thought Carl had been infected and since I had no weapon I figured I’d best get outta there. It was freaky man.”
#3. FarmersOnly.com – Carl follows Kasey Kahne’s Famers Insurance car around Talladega for numerous laps causing Carl to begin singing “You don’t have to be lonely, at FarmersOnly.com” so many times that the FarmersOnly.com people make a commercial with it. NASCAR docks Carl 150,000 driver points for violating rule 12-4-A, “actions detrimental to stock car racing”. Carl appeals but his efforts are in vain. No one wants to hear that. Ever.
#2. Hot Tub Time Machine – Carl is resting in his hot tub before the Phoenix race and falls asleep. He begins to dream about going back in time and racing in the 1979 Daytona 500. On the final lap he is involved in a crash with Cale Yarborough and Davey Allison. Cale is about to throw a haymaker Carl’s way when he is suddenly jolted awake by the sound or 43 cars taking the green flag. Carl runs out of his motor coach and finds a stunned Darian Grubb atop the pit box. “Who the hell is driving the car?” screams Carl. After the race, it is found that The Stig from the now defunct Top Gear UK series had stopped by Carl’s coach to chat him up. When he found Carl asleep in the hot tub mumbling “I’m gonna catch you Davey Allison!” he figured he’d just borrow Carl’s suit and helmet for a bit. When he came out of the coach dressed as Carl, Darian grabbed him and put him in the #19. The Stig finished 3rd. Carl was literally steaming.
#1. saxeT sdrawkcaB – With three laps to go Carl gets turned by Keselowski. Carl’s spin is a perfect 180 and no caution flag is thrown. Carl immediately throws the car into reverse and and begins racing backwards. Amazingly, Carl passes Jimmie Johnson for first place on the final lap! Entering Turn 4 on the way to sure victory, backwards no less, a giant jack rabbit runs across the track into Carl’s path. Carl swerves to avoid the rabbit and takes out The Orange Cone and enters pit road at 185 MPH. NASCAR hits Edwards with Commitment Cone and Speeding on Pit Road violations. He ends up 34th. After the race, Carl says “That was pretty awesome! I’ve always said I could drive backwards better than Jimmie could forwards. I feel bad about losing the race, but my contract states that I am not allowed to run over furry woodland creatures.”